Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Things My Boys Have Broken....

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a cool warehouse apartment in the inner city filled with antiques and nick nacks she had collected over the previous 15 years.....then she met the Rock God, fell in love, moved out into suburbia and had 4 small monsters boys in 5 years.

Her life, and her house, have never been the same since!

This is a pictorial selection of just some of the things her kids have got their grubby little hands on and destroyed....

1. A Pearl Necklace

This necklace represents all the jewellery my boys have snapped, twisted, pulled apart, dressed up in, used as a lasoo and attempted to strangle their brothers with.
2. An Early Edition German to English Dictionary

This dictionary represents all the books in my possession that have had their covers torn off, pages ripped out, spines broken or have been drawn in.  It had a lovely embossed leather spine.  Note, I used the past tense, HAD.

3. The Downstairs Toilet Door Handle 

This door handle represents all the door handles in my house that are wobbly and about to fall off due to being swung on, tied to things, used as battering ram with a kid on either side, and generally mistreated.  I will get around to fixing it one day....or I might just face reality and leave it how it is because I will only end up fixing it again in two months time.

4. A 42" Inch Plasma TV

This TV represents all the electrical equipment we have owned that has died at the hands of the boys.  DVD's and video players have had toast, toy cars, teaspoons and coins of various denominations inserted inside them.  Portable DVD players have had cordial and milk poured over the top of them.  TV's have had the video and game plugs snapped off inside them.

This particular TV blew up about 3 weeks ago when No. 3 shoved a screw driver into the power board. Fortunately the safety switch saved him from being electrocuted, however we weren't able to resuscitate the TV.  A new one has arrived today - I give it 6 months to live!
5. Antique Bust from a French Monastery

This statue represents all the things the kids have destroyed that I haven't noticed at the time and by the time I did, it's been too late.  Yes, it looks as though my handsome young priest has been attacked by a zombie with a really bad cold, but actually its globs of acrylic paint which (because it sits right underneath a central heating duct) has hardened to a consistency that could hold the International Space Station together.  I have scraped, I have scratched, I have pulled.....its not coming off.  *sigh*
6. My Grandmother's Vintage Lacquered Keepsake Box from Burma, circa 1930's.

My grandmother passed away when I was 8 years old.  Other than her jewellery, which was passed down to me, this is the only keepsake I have of her.  Its a beautiful red lacquered box with a hand painted dragon on the top and a hinged lid with a lock and key (this photo doesn't do it justice).

Inside my grandmother had kept love letters, Valentines cards and photos of the young man she was in love with who was stationed with the Marines in Burma in the early 1930's (this is not the man she later married).  She kept this box her whole life and I have always wondered who this mystery man was and what happened to him.

This box is one of my most precious belongings and when my first born son at 18 months old figured out how to open the lid one day and snapped it off, I actually cried.
7. An Early Victorian 'Mother of Pearl' Antique Hall Chair

This chair is one of a pair of antique hall chairs that I scrimped and saved to buy when I was about 20 years old.  It dates to the early 1840's at the beginning of Queen Victoria's reign when it was popular to decorate furniture with mother of pearl shell.  It still had the original woven rattan seat until one of the boys stood on it and put his foot through it.  I can only assume that all of the owners over the past 170 years have had children that knew how to behave girls.
8. An Artist's Hand Model

This hand represents all the small little things in my house that are just not quite right anymore, have been glued together, sticky taped back up or turned around to hide the cracks....it was originally a gift from my mother but apparently, if shoved up the arm of your school jumper, also makes an excellent substitute for Luke Skywalker's robot hand from 'Return of the Jedi'.
9. A Blank Wall

This may look like an ordinary bathroom wall but once upon a time, a stainless steel towel rail used to live here.  Unfortunately, directly underneath this wall is the end of the bath......

One evening while cooking dinner I heard an enormous crashing and splashing from upstairs.  Thinking the bath was about to crash through the ceiling I raced up the stairs two-at-a-time to find two naughty boys in the bath still hanging on to the towel rail and two massive holes in my wall.

The holes have been patched.  The towel rail is in storage.
10.  My Spirit and Will to Live!

Well almost....despite all of these misadventures, I'm still carrying on and I've learnt a lot of valuable lessons -

  • if you have children, anything you love DEARLY should be boxed and stored at the top of your wardrobe for the next 20 years.
  • if you have children, anything - no matter how seemingly indestructible - can be broken
  • if you have children, don't bother buying nice furniture until they are at least 10 years old or have moved out of home
I have also come to realise that all the nice houses and apartments you see in Vogue Living and Elle Decor are owned by childless couples!
Let's sympathise together....have your kids trashed anything precious?


  1. O.M.G!!!!! I thought CrashBoy was bad. As I scrolled down your list I was begging for it to end, but they just kept coming. Boys are so destructive! I recently wrote a post about "The things a toddler will punish you for", but it is soooo tame in comparison to this. Do what a friend of mine is doing. She's keeping a tally and intends on giving her son a bill on his 21st birthday!

  2. Sorry to say but it's not just boys Elle :(
    My princess looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but it's a ruse to suck you in.

    Oh...and the top of the wardrobe is not safe, it's the first place they look. I'd go for hiring out a storage unit in another country with 24 hour armed security guards, motion detectors and a big metal cage that drops down on intruders as the best place to store any precious items.

  3. OMG and Pal just got so upset because Roo tore apart these little FREE magazine holders from the newspaper.
    Roo decided my iPhone was thirsty a while back, and recently the boys have been obsessed with books and so everything has been put out of the way!
    Oh I wanted to cry when I read about your grandmother's keepsake box!

  4. I think our boys may be related! Number 7. particularly the last line cracked me up (though it's really no laughing matter), because I suspect - though mothers of girls are always trying to tell me other - that is only too true!

  5. I'm not sure, but my bloke slashed a chair one day and then the side of my bed with a knife. I kind of didn't sleep properly for a while after that. Lucky he grew out of his knife slashing phase :)

  6. hahaha Greg. My 4 year old asked if he could watch me sleeping the other night - cute but kinda creepy!

  7. My husband and I often laugh at couples about to have children that have nice things. we both decided long a go that new couches were out of the question untill our youngest is about 8-9 yrs of age. They are so stained and have their little scribbles on them here and there. what can I say it does give them character

  8. Oh my list is nothing compared to yours. Suprisingly most of mine are modern things. They have broken 2 tvs, numerous special books that used to be mine when i was a little girl. Jewelery. Needless to say most of our prized posetions have been stuck in the wardrobe thankgod because we didnt have enough space to get them down. Im quite thankful for that now.

  9. Oh dear! We have kids and a puppy here so there is always something trashed. When Miss 3 was 2 she was having a major tantrum and pulled my gorgeous white gold necklace right off my neck! Other than that just odds and ends and our puppy has practically demolished our garden!

  10. Oh crap, I have tears from laughter, and sadly.... UNDERSTANDING!!!!!

    I refuse to buy new furniture. I'll make do with second hand until they ALL move out!

  11. Far out! You have/had some nice things. Check out this site- http://shitmykidsruined.com/ a friend sent me the link and it made my sister feel better when she was bemoaning her child scribbling on the wall!

  12. YOU are hilarious! OK Eloise, this is truly sad. i feel for you. I know how this feels and you bloody well should cry, more and more!

    Nup, actually I am outraged for you now especially about your grandmothers precious box. THAT is just too sad for words!

  13. LOL Gemma, I've had six and a half years to recover from my grandmother's box and I can look at it now without my heart twingeing :) ....my consolation is that the stuff inside was PRICELESS and I managed to get hold of his chubby little hands before he got into that!

  14. What can anyone say after that horrifically long list?! You must have so much patience or it is resignation. The worst is probably my daughter breaking a cheap necklace by pulling it off my neck. The damage to your antiques and the TV makes me shudder. I hope you've packed away all other valuables you can't afford to lose!

  15. I LOVE your blog I lOVED this made me LOL!! I just can't imagine ...you are AWESOME I would have a head full of white hair and u just look gorgeous xx

  16. great post. I can totally relate to number 10 :-) Natasha x

  17. OMG, I am shedding tears on your behalf! My son? Left the door to the basement freezer open all night. Entire contents had to be thrown out (rack of ribs, turkey, etc). 'Borrowed' my Zune (mp3 player) and now it doesn't work. He is a 6-yr-old tornado of destruction.

  18. Oh noes! This is why I don't have nice stuff too. I would have cried over the box belonging to your grandmother too.

  19. Just the post I needed to read right now!
    Thanks for the giggles and the realisation that it's not 'just me'!


  20. Brilliant. Boys are human cyclones on a mission to get us over ourselves just in time to let another girl come along and set them straight.

  21. This is gold Eloise! I have my own little Destructacons. Thankfully I have none of the antiques that you had to destroy! My heart breaks for you. Thanks for Rewinding x

  22. My 3 boys when aged 3 1/2, 4 1/2 & 4 1/2 were "playing" wrestling and managed to shove one of them through a glass doored china cabinet filled with about $4500 worth of my (now ex) mother in laws antique china. Worst still when they were trying to get away they knocked the other side of the 8 shelves of stuff neatly packed and stored on the china cabinet 4 things were unchipped or broken. Safe to say we moved out of her house very soon after that.


Thanks for commenting, I appreciate you taking the time xxx

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