Things My Boys Have Broken....

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a cool warehouse apartment in the inner city filled with antiques and nick nacks she had collected over the previous 15 years.....then she met the Rock God, fell in love, moved out into suburbia and had 4 small monsters boys in 5 years.

Her life, and her house, have never been the same since!

This is a pictorial selection of just some of the things her kids have got their grubby little hands on and destroyed....

1. A Pearl Necklace

This necklace represents all the jewellery my boys have snapped, twisted, pulled apart, dressed up in, used as a lasoo and attempted to strangle their brothers with.

2. An Early Edition German to English Dictionary

This dictionary represents all the books in my possession that have had their covers torn off, pages ripped out, spines broken or have been drawn in.  It had a lovely embossed leather spine.  Note, I used the past tense, HAD.

3. The Downstairs Toilet Door Handle 

This door handle represents all the door handles in my house that are wobbly and about to fall off due to being swung on, tied to things, used as battering ram with a kid on either side, and generally mistreated.  I will get around to fixing it one day....or I might just face reality and leave it how it is because I will only end up fixing it again in two months time.

4. A 42" Inch Plasma TV

This TV represents all the electrical equipment we have owned that has died at the hands of the boys.  DVD's and video players have had toast, toy cars, teaspoons and coins of various denominations inserted inside them.  Portable DVD players have had cordial and milk poured over the top of them.  TV's have had the video and game plugs snapped off inside them.

This particular TV blew up about 3 weeks ago when No. 3 shoved a screw driver into the power board. Fortunately the safety switch saved him from being electrocuted, however we weren't able to resuscitate the TV.  A new one has arrived today - I give it 6 months to live!

5. Antique Bust from a French Monastery

This statue represents all the things the kids have destroyed that I haven't noticed at the time and by the time I did, it's been too late.  Yes, it looks as though my handsome young priest has been attacked by a zombie with a really bad cold, but actually its globs of acrylic paint which (because it sits right underneath a central heating duct) has hardened to a consistency that could hold the International Space Station together.  I have scraped, I have scratched, I have pulled.....its not coming off.  *sigh*

6. My Grandmother's Vintage Lacquered Keepsake Box from Burma, circa 1930's.

My grandmother passed away when I was 8 years old.  Other than her jewellery, which was passed down to me, this is the only keepsake I have of her.  Its a beautiful red lacquered box with a hand painted dragon on the top and a hinged lid with a lock and key (this photo doesn't do it justice).

Inside my grandmother had kept love letters, Valentines cards and photos of the young man she was in love with who was stationed with the Marines in Burma in the early 1930's (this is not the man she later married).  She kept this box her whole life and I have always wondered who this mystery man was and what happened to him.

This box is one of my most precious belongings and when my first born son at 18 months old figured out how to open the lid one day and snapped it off, I actually cried.

7. An Early Victorian 'Mother of Pearl' Antique Hall Chair

This chair is one of a pair of antique hall chairs that I scrimped and saved to buy when I was about 20 years old.  It dates to the early 1840's at the beginning of Queen Victoria's reign when it was popular to decorate furniture with mother of pearl shell.  It still had the original woven rattan seat until one of the boys stood on it and put his foot through it.  I can only assume that all of the owners over the past 170 years have had children that knew how to behave girls.

8. An Artist's Hand Model

This hand represents all the small little things in my house that are just not quite right anymore, have been glued together, sticky taped back up or turned around to hide the cracks....it was originally a gift from my mother but apparently, if shoved up the arm of your school jumper, also makes an excellent substitute for Luke Skywalker's robot hand from 'Return of the Jedi'.

9. A Blank Wall

This may look like an ordinary bathroom wall but once upon a time, a stainless steel towel rail used to live here.  Unfortunately, directly underneath this wall is the end of the bath......

One evening while cooking dinner I heard an enormous crashing and splashing from upstairs.  Thinking the bath was about to crash through the ceiling I raced up the stairs two-at-a-time to find two naughty boys in the bath still hanging on to the towel rail and two massive holes in my wall.

The holes have been patched.  The towel rail is in storage.

10.  My Spirit and Will to Live!

Well almost....despite all of these misadventures, I'm still carrying on and I've learnt a lot of valuable lessons -

• if you have children, anything you love DEARLY should be boxed and stored at the top of your wardrobe for the next 20 years.

• if you have children, anything - no matter how seemingly indestructible - can be broken

• if you have children, don't bother buying nice furniture until they are at least 10 years old or have moved out of home

I have also come to realise that all the nice houses and apartments you see in Vogue Living and Elle Decor are owned by childless couples!

Let's sympathise together....have your kids trashed anything precious?